Discovering The New Me

Alone, MO

nannee0110 — Sat, 12 May 2007 13:51:25 +0000

Alone, MO population 1. That’s where I live. There’s a lot of good stuff here, like food, clothes, water…but not many people. I have been in St. Louis for approximately a year now, and when I first got here, I thought I was going to make this my home. Now, I’m not so sure. For the last few days, weeks, months, I have felt like I’m here alone. I have some very nice friends here…even people that I consider family. But the bottom line is that they have their own lives here, and I don’t. I have them, and work. And that’s it. And really, at this point in my life, that’s just not enough. I don’t want to feel that if the few people I know here are unavailable, that I am stranded. This is a huge city, with myriad and varied things to see, do, and get into, but I don’t want to start over. I don’t want to find new things to do and new people to see. Yes, I am reasonably young and that’s what “young” people do, but I have been moving and running and doing all this for the last 8 years. I am ready to be settled. And here, I am so unsettled. But before I move away, in the hopes that things will get better, I have to make sure that Alone, MO won’t turn into Alone, MD, or Alone, VA, or Alone, MI. Because maybe I didn’t move to Alone, MO, maybe Alone, MO followed me here.

I Don’t Want To

nannee0110 — Wed, 31 Jan 2007 17:34:21 +0000

I don’t want to keep doing this

I don’t want to feel this anymore

I don’t want to wake up missing you

I don’t want to sit here thinking about you

And whether or not you’re thinking about me

I don’t want to worry about whether or not you made it home

Or where you lay your head at night

Or whose head is lying next to yours

I don’t want to keep wondering

If you’re missing me like I’m missing you

And hating that you miss me like I hate that I miss you

I’m tired of wishing you were here

And wishing you didn’t exist at the same time

Wishing I didn’t see your face when I close my eyes

Wishing that a part of me didn’t die when you lied

Wishing that I could feel that warmth from someone else

Really wishing that I didn’t know it won’t be the same

I’m tired of wanting things to go back

To the way they used to be

When they weren’t that damn good

In the first place

I just want to be me again

And not just half of you

I want to be whole and young and beautiful

Like I used to be before you invaded my soul

I don’t want feel all of this

And go thru all of these changes

I really don’t want to

Especially not over you

RMT 11:34am 1/31/07

Boyfriend Requirements 2007 Part 1

nannee0110 — Mon, 22 Jan 2007 00:05:08 +0000

Requirement #1: My next boyfriend will have to be able to lick his elbow. He will have to sweet, and funny, and smart, and all that other cliche shit. But most importantly, he will have to be able to lick his elbow. That’s all I got to say bout that.

I am coming to the close of the end of my first week off. The week has been highly emotional and non productive. But that’s ok…it’s not like I was less emotional or more productive when I was working everyday. I have; however, been doing a lot of thinking about my life and millions of other things. Thinking about everything and nothing, as I like to put it. One conclusion that I have come to is that I need to decide where I go from here. I haven’t decided where I go, mind you, but I have decided that I need to decide. I feel like I’m starting my entire life over at 27 years old, and it’s time to have a plan for my life. So over the next few weeks, I need to decide what’s important to me and where I want to be in the next few years and situate myself so that I can be there. Sounds like fun, huh?

Another thing that I have decided to do is tell people how I really feel when I feel it rather than keep my feelings to myself. I have so much bottled inside me because I either refuse to let people in or I refuse to let things out. Mostly I don’t let people in because I’m afraid they will hurt me in some way, and I don’t let certain things out because I don’t want to hurt the people around me. But keeping it all in is hurting me, so the people around me will just have to understand…or not.

Most importantly I have decided that I have to forgive myself. I have to forgive myself for ending up where I have ended up, and for not being able to fix the world. I have been blaming myself for not seeing things clearly in my last relationship and for letting things get as bad as they did before I walked away. I have also been beating myself up for not being able to fix everyone’s problems. I can’t fix everyone. My brain knows that, but my heart doesn’t. So when I see the people around me going through things that I can’t fix, I get angry. Mostly at myself. And that’s really not fair. So these are my lessons for me this week. I promise to blog more, so for the 3 or 4 people that actually see this, there’ll be more sooner…especially boyfriend requirements!

Ok, luv ya, bye bye.

Today is as good as any…

nannee0110 — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 22:50:25 +0000

So I figure it’s a new year, and I’m making a new start in life, so when’s a better time to start a blog, right? Sure. Why not? I’m also about to have a birthday next week, so I’m just abundant with fresh starts. FANTASTIC!! I am about to be 27 years old and I feel like I’m just finding my place in the world. You’d think the world and I would have come to terms with our coexistence by now, but we’re still playing rock-paper-scissors to see who has the upper hand. And guess what…I’m losing. Ehhhh, such is life.

I really don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but I have planned to make some life changes to make things better for me. I am going to start exercising, at least once evey day. I am going to be more assertive about what I want, and stop sacrificing my happiness for others who don’t appreciate it. I am going to get back into my writing-I used to do erotica, short stories, and poetry. And finally I am going to learn how to really love myself. I am comfortable that I can effectively manage all of them except that last one. I might as well say I’m going to implement world peace too, just for a challenge.

But anyway, I think that’s more than enough for my first ever wordpress blog entry. Ok, Lady, love ya, buh bye.